fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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