Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
