i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize