you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
