Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
