The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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