If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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