So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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