And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I am available for nakedness
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
