just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
