saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
