my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just found puke in my bra..
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize