his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
How external is "for external use only"?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
