before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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