even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
