Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
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