two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize