Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
