He is an equal opportunity slut.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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