Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
