I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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