i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Pants are for mortals
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
