A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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