Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
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