are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
barbara walters just said penis...
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
