Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
