just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
God I need to hump something, right now.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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