Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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