I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize