oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
