he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
