yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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