It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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