1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
