So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
