How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
false alarm. still invincible.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
