Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
