1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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