afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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