I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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