sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
