btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
