Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
