in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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