Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
