I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
