I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
