I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
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