tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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