my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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