I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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