It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
