this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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