How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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