Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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