you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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