His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
don't judge my taste in strippers
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
i think my cat just said my name.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
