What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
