the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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